One Step Closer
by wellthen44
Summary: "It doesn't matter how many steps you take. All that matters is that it made a leap." Katniss's journey as she learns to move away from her past. Post Mockingjay, Pre Epilogue.
1. Chapter 1

Her ghost haunted me.

And it never went away.

I'd just sit by the window, staring out into nothing, becoming my mother. Greasy Sae would bring me a bowl of stew or fresh soup, but I'd never eat it until she made me.

All I needed was someone, anyone to be there. Greasy Sae helped, but I needed someone who could understand. But everyone who understood was either dead or in another District.

I would try to get her out of my mind, but she's stuck with me forever. And she'll never leave. No matter how hard I try.

And it _killed _me.

But one day, I got a visitor.

An unsuspected one.

I slowly walked over to the front door and saw Peeta.

I rubbed my eyes. Was I seeing right?

No, of course I wasn't. Peeta was in District Thirteen, recovering from the hijacking. He wasn't supposed to be here.

Peeta rubbed his arm. "Hey Katniss" he said.

"Where... How... When did you come back?" I asked.

"Today. Doctor Aurelius wouldn't let me leave until yesterday."

We just stood there for a minute. It was super awkward. I mean, the last time I saw him I was about to kill myself. And he wouldn't let me...

He was thin and covered with burn scars like me, but his eyes have lost that clouded, tortured look and got back their crystal blue. He was obviously doing better.

At least one of us was.

"Oh" he said. "I have a surprise." Surprise? He walked over to the side of my house and revealed a bunch of bushes. But not just any type of bush.

Primrose bushes.

I felt sick to my stomach.

"I dug these up this morning. For her" he said quietly. "I thought maybe we could plant them along the side of your house?"

I felt a lump rise up in my throat. "Yeah. Okay." Without another word, I ran into my house and shut the door behind me. I sat down on the couch and put my face in my hands.

_Prim..._

_No._

_Don't do this Katniss._

_Peeta, the boy who thought just a few months ago thought that you were a mutt, is now making a memorial for your sister. If he can move on from his torture, his loss, his past, then why can't you?_

I had to do something. You don't get anywhere in life by just sitting around. You have to work for it.

I stood up, took a shower, fixed my hair, put on clean clothes, and looked out the window. I saw that Peeta had a shovel and was digging up the earth to plant the bushes.

_Let's start at square one._

_Try. Try to do something._

I walked out the front door. "Need help?" I asked. He turned around and looked at me. He looked slightly surprised, but wiped it away.

"Sure" he said with a small smile. "I have an extra shovel. You can dig if you want."

I didn't smile; I wasn't there yet. But I felt... better. Better than I had in a long time.

"Okay" I said. I grabbed the shovel, and together, Peeta and I planted the bushes.

And I saw it. Just a slight shimmer, out of the corner of my eye, but I saw it.

A new beginning.


	2. Chapter 2

**Step #1: Face it.**

* * *

I wiped the beads of sweat off my forhead. "I think it's done."

Peeta nodded and put his shovel down. "It looks good."

I looked at him. "Thanks Peeta."

He looked back at me. "Sure. Anytime."

I nodded. "I'm going inside."

He smiled. "See you tomorrow."

I put my shovel down and ran inside. I closed the door and saw Greasy Sae looking up at me.

"What?" I asked.

She smiled. "I haven't seen you get out of this house in two months, and all of a sudden you decide to dig a pit?"

I sighed. "The last person I expected to see outside my door was Peeta. And it just happened to be him." I took off my coat. "And besides, I had to get out sometime."

She nodded uncertaintly and I walked into the kitchen, where a bowl of soup waited. I sat down and slurped it up quietly. When I finished, Greasy Sae took it and started washing it in the sink. I got up and started walking to my room, but I stopped outside her door.

I turned to face it. Its white paint was dulling, as if she was slowly dissappearing. The doorknob had a thin layer of dust. I put my hand over it and twised it, but didn't push it open.

Was I ready?

Yes, I decided. I was ready to face it.

I pushed the door open and stood in the doorway. The last time I saw it was before the Quell, and it looked exactly the same. Her blue covers neatly folded at the top, her pillow slightly indented by where her head would lay. There was a pair of silk slippers that she loved to wear around the house at the foot of her dresser. And the fluffy, white curtains laid still against the wall, absorbing the sunlight streaming though her window. But the chair to her desk wasn't pushed in like it always was. And there was crumpled paper on the desk.

Hesitating to step into her room, I placed one foot on her carpet, then another, and slowly walked over to her desk. I picked up the crumpled paper and slowly flattened it out to see that it was a letter. On the back, it said two words.

_To Katniss._

With a shaky hand, I opened the letter and pulled out a piece of paper. It was wrinkled, but I could still make out Prim's small, neat handwriting.

_Dear Katniss,_

_You know how hard this is for me. To say goodbye. It's not a secret; I know that you are planning to die to save Peeta. And who am I to stop you?_

_No matter how many times I try, I won't be able to find the courage to tell this to your face. Thank you. I don't know if I've done it enough. You saved my life, more than once. You were willing to do anything, absolutely anything, to save me. Even if it meant risking your life. And that is a debt that even all the thank yous in the world can't repay._

_There have been many people that've told me that they thought you were a misrable, muted hunter that wanted nothing to do with anybody. But the truth is, you are the kindest, most determined and corageous person I know. And I love you more than anybody, always remember that._

_Goodbye Katniss._

_Love,_

_Prim._

I didn't realize I was crying until I saw the tears fall on the page. This was the letter that Prim wanted to give to me before I went into the Quell, but we weren't allowed to see our loved ones before we went.

I clenched the page in my hand and walked out the door, silently closing it behind me. I walked to my room and opened the top drawer of my dresser, where I kept all my valuables. There was Peeta's locket, my pearl, and the spile. I folded the letter and put it in there. I was about to close the drawer, but I stopped myself. I looked at the locket and took it out.

The metal was cold from being untouched for so long. I clicked the button and saw the three pictures: my mother, Gale, and Prim. The three people that meant so much to me, either abandoned me or died.

I shut it angrily, threw it in the drawer, and slammed it shut.

Life isn't fair. It's just one, big, dark hole of dispair, waiting to swallow you whole.

I took a deep breath and walked to my window. I looked through Peeta's window and saw him sitting at the table, drinking some tea, starring into space.

I had to look at the bright side. I wasn't alone.

Now I had Peeta.

And he may not be the same, but he was coming back. I could sense it.

Life may not be bright, but there are still silver linnings.

And it's your job to find them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Step #2: Release an arrow.**

* * *

I gripped my bow tighter as I walked through the trees.

After I went outside, Greasy Sae sought this as the opportunity to get me to catch her some fresh game. I didn't feel like arguing with her, so I put on my cold jacket and boots, grabbed my dusty bow and arrows, and walked out the door.

It was a nice day, I'll say that; it was that time where spring was just starting come out from behind winter. But I didn't really care anymore. When you've been as hurt as me, you'll be surprised at how much seems so pointless.

I crawled under the fence. It was once so easy, a part of my life, but now it required much difficulty. I got off the ground and walked through the trees. It was all so familiar, yet distant at the same time. I guess my mind was trying to dissolve every memory of my past. If so, it wasn't doing a very good job.

My feet were leading me somewhere, and when i got there, my chest tightened.

Our old hunting spot.

Well, now it's my hunting spot.

It was out of old habits. Habits I had to dispose of. I sat on the log, but it felt so... so empty without him sitting next to me. And we used to have so much fun together, him and I. But then he killed her and just... left.

And he didn't even bother to apologize. And he didn't even bother to tell me he was leaving before he left. It was as if he was never there.

He was as good as dead to me.

Because his pride was more important than the girl he loved.

Well fuck him.

Fuck everything.

I saw a squirrel running across a branch of the tree in front of me. I my rage, I pulled put my bow, put on an arrow, and shot it in the leg. It fell to the ground at my feet.

Time seemed to freeze. I looked at the squirrel, and suddenly I started crying.

I don't really know why. I guess it was the wall of emotions building up inside of me.

You can only take so much until you've had enough.

* * *

After I was finished grieving my pathetic life, I got up and started hunting. I shot a bunch of squirrels and got tired quickly. I got my game bag and started heading home. But when I was walking through the town, I stopped short.

I saw him.

Peeta.

* * *

**I know, not the best ending in the world, but I already know what is going to happen throughout the whole story, and I need to stop here for it to play out the right way. I spent the day making an outline and I have it, and maaaaybe a sequel?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Step #2: Watch** **him** **when** **he's** **not** **looking**

* * *

At first, I thought I was seeing things. But there couldn't be the same pair of blue eyes in the world.

He was standing in the middle of bustling builders, standing over a table covered in... Were those building plans? He ran a hand through his hair and one of the workers went up to him. I was too far to hear what he said, but Peeta pointed over to a piece of caved in ground and the worker walked away.

And I suddenly realized what they were doing.

They were rebuilding the bakery.

I couldn't believe I didn't see it before. That was the same area that bakery stood before the bombs. But it did look different with all of the people and buildings around it.

But... He just came back! How could he've gotten everything together so fast?

Well, the citizens of District Twelve have been on a building frenzy ever since they returned from Thirteen. Staying underground for months does get you motivated to work once you breathe the fresh air. There were probably a lot of people willing to help, especially since he's... Since he's Peeta Mellark. Victor with Katniss Everdeen.

Someone walked over to Peeta. I he turned his face and I saw it was Thom. "So, how's Katniss doing? No one's seen her in a while."

Peeta sighed. "She's... She's doing better than I thought she would be. She helped me plant some flowers by her house this morning.

Thom snorted. "She didn't." Well then.

Peeta smiled a little. "She did. And I saw her walk out of her house with her hunting gear a few hours ago."

Thom smiled. "That's good news."

Peeta nodded slightly. "I'm proud of her." Then he turned his head-

And looked right at me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Step #4: Eat some friendly dinner.**

* * *

We just stared at each other for a minute.

Then I started walking away.

He said something to Thom and he walked my way. I started walking faster.

"Wait! Katniss!"

I spun around, my braid flicking to the side. "Yes?"

He stopped walking. "Do you, uh, maybe..." He scratched his head. "You look hungry."

Well, that was random. "Uh..."

He smiled. "I have some dinner at my house. Do you maybe wanna come over?"

Uh, no. "Peeta, I don't-"

"Come on Katniss. I really wanna try to be friends with you."

Wow. I shifted my bow. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. We both... We..." For the first time in his life, Peeta Mellark didn't know what to say.

But I understood what he was trying to say. "We both lost the people we love most" I said quietly. He nodded.

I sighed. I couldn't be friends with Peeta.

But, Peeta, he's... Peeta. He could help me get myself back together. Plus, I was hungry. "You don't know what you're getting yourself into, but... Alright."

He smiled. "Just... Let me put my hunting stuff away."

"Okay" he said. "I'll tell the workers to go home."

I nodded and started walking towards my house. My day was pretty eventful. First Peeta comes home, then I go out of the house for the first time and plant primroses with him, then I go into her room! then I find her letter, then I go hunting for the first time, then Peeta starts rebuilding the bakery, and now I'm having dinner with him.

A friendly dinner. Just as... Friends.

Wow. Still getting used to that.

Friends.

Friends with Peeta.

I liked the way that sounded.

I walked into my house and Greasy Sae appeared in the doorway of the kitchen. "How was the woods?"

I sighed. "It... It reminded me to much of..." I gulped. "Gale."

She frowned slightly. "I'm sorry."

I sighed and handed her my game bag. "I'm eating dinner with Peeta."

She smiled. "Already?"

I shrugged. "He said he wanted to be my friend... And who am I to stop him?"

She studied me for a minute. "Alright, you can go, but fix yourself up." I walked over to the mirror in the hallway and looked at myself. My eyes were red, my hair was tangled, and I had dirt all over my clothes. I took my boots and jacket off, put my bow and arrows down, and walked into the bathroom.

I stripped my sweaty clothes and took a hot, gentle shower, careful not to ruin my new skin. I lightly soaped myself and dried off. Then I put on a grey t shirt, black shorts, and some white sneakers. Then I put my hair in a braid and walked downstairs.

"Better?" I asked Greasy Sae.

"Much" she said with a smile. I walked out the door and slowly walked to the front steps of Peeta's house.

I took a deep breath. Let's do this.

I knocked on the door. A few minutes later, Peeta appeared. He smiled. "Hey."

I put my hands in my pockets. "Hey."

He opened the door wider. "Come in." I nodded and walked through the front door. His house was cluttered with boxes. "Sorry, I'm busy working on cleaning out some things."

I looked at him. "You're working on too much. First the bushes, then the bakery, now your house."

He shrugged. "I'm trying to move on."

I nodded. "Me too."

Peeta walked into the kitchen and I followed him. "You can sit."

I sat down in one of the wooden chairs and watched as he took something off the stove. He put it on two plates and when he placed it in front of me, I saw it was lamb stew. With the plums and rice and everything. I took a small bite and looked at him.

"This is amazing!" I said. He laughed. Greasy Sae made lamb stew before, but no one could top Peeta's cooking.

We finished and he took some cheesy buns out of the oven. I gasped and Peeta laughed again. He gave me one and I bit into it. Again, I looked at him. "This is amazing!" He laughed.

"You already said that" he said.

"I know, but it really is." I took another bite.

He shrugged. "They're your favorite."

I looked at him. "You... remember?"

He smiled a little. "I remember a lot now. But there's still..."

"Still what?"

He sighed. "Still some times where I don't know what's real and what's not. But I'm considerably better. I know that you're not a mutt."

I looked at my plate. I felt sorry for him. I couldn't imagine what must've been like; not knowing what you're able to trust or not.

I looked up at him. "I'm sorry about... I'm sorry about everything."

"Hey, it's not your fault." I nodded unconvinced. I knew it was my fault, but I couldn't argue with him.

Not the best way to start off a friendship.


	6. Chapter 6

**Step #5: Listen to him.**

* * *

"Thank you... For dinner" I said. We were standing on his front porch.

He shrugged. "You can come around. Anytime. Whenever you... If you need someone to talk to..."

I nodded. "I will." I paused. "And... You can come to my house too, Greasy Sae can make you something."

He smiled. "Okay."

I nodded and put my hands in my pockets. "I'll... see you tomorrow."

"Okay." I walked down the steps and heard his front door shut.

But... I didn't want to go home.

I felt like... I didn't know.

But apparently my feet did, because they were leading me to the meadow.

And I saw a graveyard.

My breath hitched. I looked around and saw piles and piles and piles of dirt. And I saw some of the bodies get ton covered with dirt...

A man with a wheelbarrow came by. And it was filled with bodies.

Something fell out, but the man didn't notice. I was about to tell him, but when I saw it, I couldn't breathe.

A hand.

But, it wasn't just any hand. It was a small hand. Like it belonged to a thirteen year old girl. My chest tightened.

I slowly backed away and ran home. I slammed the door shut and ran into my room. I threw off my clothes, got into a fresh t shirt, and crawled into my bed.

I tried to close my eyes, but every time I did, I saw that hand. That small hand...

I opened my eyes and sat up in bed, breathing shaky breaths. I looked at the alarm clock and saw I had been trying to sleep for six hours.

I kicked the covers off and put my legs over the side of the bed. I ran a hand over my sweaty braid and got up out of bed.

I walked downstairs and went into the kitchen. I put the kettle on the stove and looked out the window. Peeta's light was on.

Maybe...

No...

But he did say I could come over any time I needed him...

The kettle whistled and I poured the water into a mug. I took a tea bag out of the cabinet and walked to the couch.

I slowly drank my tea and looked out the window at his light. I saw him painting something. I remembered he once told me that he'd paint to keep the nightmares away...

So, he still gets them.

Well of course he does.

They'll never go away.

I put my empty mug on the coffee table and laid down on the couch. I closed my eyes...

I was in the meadow. I saw Prim weeping over someone's grave. I walked over to her and read the name.

Primrose Everdeen.

Prim looked up at me with tears streaming down her face. "Why did you let me die!?" she screamed. "Why!?"

I woke up screaming.

I took deep breaths and saw the sunlight streaming through the window. I sat up and undid my messy braid. I made a silent promise to myself.

The next time I had a nightmare, I'd go over to his house.

Because I think we could both use each other.

We'll heal each other

We'll move on together.


	7. Chapter 7

**Step #6: Dance slowly in an empty room.**

* * *

It's been three months since my first dinner with Peeta.

Yeah. You see that? First. I had dinner with him every night after that. And eventually, it became the highlight of my day.

The bakery was coming along nice. They had three walls up, including windows. I like to just sit on the side and watch Peeta work. It's relaxing for a change, sitting in the shade of a tree and feeling the warm breeze against my fragile skin.

And when he goes home, I always go with him, carrying my game, and we go to his house. He cooks some of the game and some sort of baking treat (usually cheesy buns) and then we'd just hang out like all friends do. Talk, tell stories, look at his paintings, take a walk, even clean his house. I couldn't care less. I just liked knowing there was someone to come to.

And one day, we walked back to his house, and he said he had to put something in his room and went upstairs. I put my game bag down and looked around his living room. There were still a couple of boxes, but not as many as the first time I saw the room. I looked out the window, but something on the windowsill caught my eye.

A small, wooden box.

I walked over to it and picked it up. I never saw it before.

"Oh, don't open that." I looked up and saw Peeta watching me.

"Sorry" I said.

He smiled. "Don't be. It's actually a surprise for you. I want you to have it, but don't open it until you go home."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

He nodded. "Let's eat."

When we finished, it was late and we said goodbye. I walked home with the box in my hand. I opened the door and found a note from Greasy Sae saying she went home and to have a goodnight. I walked upstairs, got into my pajamas, and sat on the side of my bed.

I studied the box for a minute. It looked old, but well taken care of. Peeta must Ve had it in his house and found it while he was cleaning.

But... Why would he want me to open it at my house?

I slowly opened the box...

And heard music.

Not loud music, but a soft, tinkling of a melody I'd heard more than enough.

The Meadow song.

Inside the box, it was bare except for a folded note. I opened it.

_Dear Katniss, _

_This used to be my mother's. She used to keep her valuables in here and she loved it More than anything. I opened it and thought of you, so I want you to keep it._

_Your Friend,_

_Peeta_

I closed my eyes and listened to the music. I remembered the once green meadow that was just beginning to grow again, me singing to Rue in her last moments, Prim and I making daisy chains...

I suddenly remembered a time, that wasn't too long ago, but seemed to be.

Prim was ten and I was fourteen. It was raining hard so I couldn't go hunting. Prim and I were stuck inside with nothing to do. I sat on the floor and she sat in front of me while I braided her hair. She started humming the meadow song, and then gasped.

"What?" I asked.

"I know what we can do" she said.

"Well, what?"

She looked at me. "Let's dance."

I gave her a look and she laughed. "C'mon." She stood up and I reluctantly stood next to her.

"What are we dancing to?" I asked.

She smiled. "The Meadow song." She started twirling and taking long strides around the room. I watched as her white dress flew as she pranced around.

She finished and I clapped playfully. She smiled. "Now you."

I shook my head. "No."

"Please?"

"No."

She walked over to me and took my scarred hands in hers. "Please?"

"Prim, no."

She pouted and I sighed. "Fine. But just once." She smiled and pulled me into the middle of the room.

She told me where to step and when to spin and I got it down. We finished and fell to the floor, laughing. And every rainy day after that, we did our special dance and had a little fun.

But the last rainy day, after I came home from the Hunger Games and after the Quarter Quell was announced, I was staring out the window as the rain hit the glass. I'd just had a nightmare about being back in the arena and couldn't get it out of my mind.

"Are you okay?" I turned my head to see Prim standing in the doorway.

I looked out the window again. "Yeah. Just... fantastic."

Prim sighed and sat next to me. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No."

No matter how stubborn I was, Prim never got angry or frustrated. "Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Then... Do you wanna dance?"

I thought about it. It was like counting the sunsets; I didn't know how many rainy dancing days I'd have left. So I turned to her. "Okay" I whispered.

She took my hands in hers and we stood up. We replayed the dance we'd done so many times before.

And when we finished, instead of laughing, I started crying.

"I can't go back" I said.

She nodded. "I know." She hugged me. "But you'll have Peeta. And he... He'll keep you safe..." Then she started crying and I hugged her back.

And we spent the rest of our last rainy dancing day dancing through not just the raindrops but the teardrops.

And I wouldn't trade that day for anything.

I realized I was crying when my tears hit the wooden box.

I took a deep breath and was about to close the lid, but then stopped.

I opened the lid and listened as the music restarted. I stood up on two shaky knees and listened to the soft music. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and started dancing.

Even though our last rainy dancing day was almost a year ago, I still remembered every step and every spin. But, it just wasn't the same without her.

But I kept dancing, and sure enough, I could almost feel her in my arms. But it was just a cold ghost, haunting me. I tried to touch her, but only felt icy air.

I collapsed on the floor and sobbed, listening as the music slowly died down and shut off.

Just like my heart.


	8. Chapter 8

**Step #7: Laugh a lot**

* * *

It's been weeks the bakery opened.

Peeta was working nonstop, hiring workers and getting supplies. Some days he'd be so caught up in work, we'd just eat cheesy buns and do paperwork, too busy to have a real sit down dinner and relax.

And then, ever so slowly, the rush disappeared and we were able to enjoy ourselves again.

One day, I walked into the bakery after going hunting. The door closed and Lynn, one of Peeta's workers, looked up from behind the counter. She had blond hair and green eyes and was from District Four. She was fifteen, but an excellent employee and is the type of girl you wanted to be friends with.

"Hey" I said. She smiled.

"Did you go hunting?" She pointed to my game bag. I put it on one of the chairs.

"I go everyday" I said.

Brandon walked out of the kitchen. He had tanned skin, dark hair, was sixteen, and was from District Eleven. He was like Lynn, you wanted to be friends with him. He saw me and smiled. "Peeta's not here, he-"

"Brandon, get your ass back in here and help me with these orders!" Kenna screamed from the kitchen. She had brown hair, brown eyes, was sixteen, and was from District Seven. She reminded me so much of Johanna it was crazy.

He sighed. "I'm COMING!" He turned back to me. "Yeah, he went out for a minute. He'll be back in-" Just then the door opened and Peeta walked in. "Now."

Peeta saw me and smiled. Kenna came out of the kitchen. "Brandon, I swear..." She pulled him by his sleeve into the kitchen. Lynn hopped over the counter and ran into the kitchen to make sure they didn't kill each other.

You could really feel the love.

"I got extra flour." He put two heavy bags of flour on the counter. "Let's go home."

I nodded. "Lock up at seven!" Peeta called.

"Oka-" Brandon started when you heard a slap. Peeta took a peek into the room.

"Please don't kill him" Peeta said kindly. I suppressed a laugh.

"Don't worry, I got her" Lynn said. Again, so much love.

I picked up my game bag and we walked down the street. It was fall, and I rubbed my hands together to keep them warm. It was times like those that I wished I had a pair of Cinna's special thermal gloves.

We walked into his house and sat down. Peeta put the flour in his cabinet. "I have a surprise for you."

I sighed. "What Peeta?"

He smiled. "I am going to teach you to bake."

"No way" I said. "Someone's going to get hurt."

Peeta laughed. "You can't be that bad."

"Uh, yes I can."

He pouted. "Please?"

"No."

"But... But it's my birthday."

"What!?" I asked. I didn't know that!

He smiled. "No, but it's tomorrow."

"How old will you be?"

"Nineteen, and stop trying to change the subject!" He put his hands on his hips and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Fine" I said. "But be prepared."

I got up and he led me over to the counter. He said that your just mixing a bunch of stuff in a bowl, shaping it, and putting it in the oven. Much easier said than done.

"This is hopeless!" I screamed. I threw my hands up in defeat and sat on the floor. Peeta sat next to me.

"You really can't bake." He put his hands behind his head. "That was the most frightening baking session I'd ever had."

We looked at each other and both burst out laughing.

We laid on the floor and tried to catch our breath, but miserably failed.

That was the first time I laughed in months.


	9. Chapter 9

**Step #8: Cry a lot**

* * *

The next day, I invited Peeta to eat at my house since it was his birthday and he's always cooking for me. He smiled and gladly agreed, as long as I didn't cook. We started laughing like immature teenagers again.

I got Greasy Sae to cook us some dinner and she went home to leave us alone. I was upstairs when Peeta knocked. I stuffed the present for him in my pocket and ran downstairs. I let him in and we sat down and I served us some squirrel stew.

"I caught the squirrel, that's as close to making it as I got" I joked. He smiled.

"Well, you caught a very delicious squirrel." I smiled.

I reached into my pocket. "I... I got you a present."

He smiled. "You didn't have to."

I dismissively waved my hand. "It's your birthday."

I pulled out the locket he gave me.

He looked at me. "But... I gave this to you."

"And I'm giving it back" I said quietly. "The people in that locket are either dead or left me."

But Peeta kept looking at the gold locket. Something clouded over in his eyes.

"Are you alright?" I asked. He looked sick.

"I... Get Haymitch" he said. He clenched his eyes shut.

Alarmed, I got up and started walking towards the door when I felt his hand grip my wrist. I spun around-

And saw the tortured Peeta.

The one that wanted to kill me.

I tried to pull out of his grip, but he was too strong. "Peeta, let go" I pleaded. "You're hurting me."

He smiled. "Good." He twisted it and I cried out. He pushed me against the wall. "You MUTT!"

"Haymitch!" I screamed.

"SHUT UP!" He slapped me and I fell. My cheek stung. He pulled me up and locked his hands around my throat.

"HAYMITCH!" I screamed. I couldn't breathe anymore.

The door banged open and Peeta was pulled off me. I fell to the floor, choking on the fresh air. I looked up and saw Haymitch holding Peeta against the wall.

"Snap out of it a Peeta" he growled. "It's not real."

"Get off me" Peeta said through gritted teeth.

"Haymitch, what's happening?" I asked, rubbing my throat.

"He's having a flashback" he said, holding Peeta as he struggled to get me.

"A what?"

He sighed. "A flashback. He gets fake memories that get triggered by almost anything and thinks they're real. He's been doing good so far, only has a few every month."

"Wait, months!?" I said. "And I didn't know!?"

"He wanted to keep it from you. He didn't want you to worry."

Suddenly, Peeta stopped struggling. He looked Haymitch in the eye and the clouded look slowly cleared away. Haymitch let him go and he readjusted his t shirt. Then he looked at me.

His eyes filled with guilt and he looked away. I stood up on shaky knees and pulled him into my arms. He started crying.

"Shh" I said. Then I started crying.

I heard Haymitch walk out the door and the two of us fell to the floor, crying in each other's arms. We didn't speak, we just cried. We cried for our unfair lives.

Why did this have to happen to us?

I didn't know that the answer would come to me a year later.


	10. Chapter 10

**Step #9: Talk to him.**

* * *

Peeta didn't come out of his house for six days.

The first day, I knew better than to try to talk to him for two reasons. One, he needed to feel sorry for himself for a while (I knew what it was like) and two, I sounded like a toad if I tried to speak. So I laid in my bed for the day, only getting up to drink something to help my throat when Greasy Sae called me.

But the third day, in tried knocking on his door, but he wouldn't open it. I sighed.

"Peeta, open up" I croaked. No answer.

"Please?" I asked. No answer.

"Come on" I said getting irritated. No answer. I groaned.

"Just go Katniss" he whispered from inside.

I sighed. "Fine. But I will get you to come out." I walked down the steps and went into my house.

The next day, I was fed up and went to Haymitch's.

"He won't come OUT!" I screamed.

Haymitch groaned. "Sweetheart, you have to realize this isn't easy for him. Just give him time."

"But that's all I gave him!"

"Then give him more!"

So I did. And on the sixth day, I forced Haymitch to give me the key to his house.

I ran up the steps of his house, turned the key in the lock, and ran into the middle of the room.

"Peeta!" I called. No answer.

I ran upstairs and looked around the hallway. "Peeta!" No answer. I was starting to get worried.

I looked in every room, but didn't see him. That's when I really panicked.

"PEETA!" I screamed. I ran into his bedroom and found it empty, but something caught my eye.

A ladder on the porch.

I ran out onto the porch and climbed up the ladder. I got onto the roof and saw Peeta, starring off into the distance.

"Damn it Peeta, you scared the crap out of me" I said. He didn't respond or look at me.

I sighed and sat next to him. "It's freezing up here. Your gonna catch a cold."

He didn't respond.

"Peeta, don't feel bad. It's alright."

He looked at me, his blue eyes filled with sadness. "It's not alright Katniss. I almost killed you. If Haymitch wasn't there, you'd be dead."

"It not your fault" I said. I starred off into the distance. I could see the meadow that was trying to grow in the cold weather. "It's mine" I whispered.

I felt his eyes look at me. "How is it-"

"I'm the reason you got captured" I said, clenching my eyes shut. "If I wasn't so stupid-"

"It not your fault" he said. "I'm the one who let us get separated-"

"We didn't have a choice Peeta" I said looking at him. "We weren't told a damn thing and we had to do what they said if we wanted to live." I exhaled. "And what's passed is past. You'll have this problem for the rest of your life, just like I'll always have the nightmares. And we just need to move through it."

He looked at me for a minute. "When did you learn to be so wise?"

I looked out at the meadow. "When I was forced to grow up."

And for the rest of the day, we watched the sun set behind the trees, slowly fading out into the night.


	11. Chapter 11

**Step #10: Sleep in peace.**

* * *

"KEEP UP!" I screamed. Peeta was lagging behind because of his leg. I grabbed his hand and pulled him along.

We were almost to the beach.

So close.

So very close...

And then the spear went through Peeta's chest.

I woke up screaming.

It's been a month since Peeta's flashback, and it was winter. Winters in Twelve were always brutal, but this one particularly horrible, and I gave up on trying to hunt everyday.

I sat up and pulled my legs to my chest. I tried to take deep breaths, but the air couldn't seem to find my lungs. Tears started falling down my face and I couldn't seem to control them.

I crawled out of bed and walked down the stairs and went into the living room. I looked through the window and saw Peeta's lights on. I put on my jacket and boots and walked outside. It was absolutely freezing, but I grit my teeth and walked to his front door.

I knocked softly and rubbed my hands together. The tears were still falling, but they seemed to freeze on my face.

Peeta opened the door and looked at me. "What's wrong?"

"I-I..." I didn't know what to say.

"Come in here" he said. I walked in and he closed the door. He took my coat and boots and left them by the door. Then he went into the kitchen and came back with hot chocolate. We sat next to each other by the lit fireplace.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I-I had a nightmare" I said. "But this was one of the worst yet."

"What happened?"

I looked at my mug. "Y-You died."

He didn't speak for a minute. "I... I had a nightmare about losing you too."

I looked at him. "I can't handle them anymore Peeta."

He looked at me. "We... We can sleep with each other. Like we did on the train."

I thought about it. It was nice to wake up to a pair of arms and a comforting voice. "Okay."

So we walked upstairs and crawled under his covers. Peeta wrapped his arms around me and I laid my head against his chest, listening to his heart beat.

And it felt... right. Like I was where I was supposed to be.

We both drifted off into sleep, and for once, we slept in peace.

Something I missed.


	12. Chapter 12

**Step #11: Paint in the meadow.**

* * *

Winter passed, and spring came. I turned nineteen, and for my birthday, Peeta gave me a pleasant surprise... besides the insults.

We were at the bakery and Peeta gave me some birthday cookies. "Wait here" he said. He went into the back, 'supposedly' getting something, when I felt something poke in the back. I turned around and came face to face with someone I thought I'd never see again.

"Hey Brainless" she said.

"What... How..." Peeta came out of the back with a smile on his face.

"Peeta invited me to come here, and I said okay. It's not like there's anything good to do in Seven."

I pulled her into a hug. Her hair was growing nicely; there were brown curls that went up to her shoulders. I was glad to see that she was doing well.

She planned on staying in Twelve for a few weeks, which I was happy for. She spent her time in the woods when she wasn't with us, and in that time, when he wasn't working, Peeta and I went to the meadow.

The grass was fully grown and was blooming with flowers. Of course, there were hundreds of gravestones, but there was plenty of room to sit down. There was so much to explore, but we just liked to lay down in the sun baked grass and stare at the clouds, listen to the mockingjays, just... relax.

One day, Peeta brought a canvas to the meadow and started painting while I sat and weaved flowers into my braid like Prim and I used to do to each other.

"Can I look?" I asked as I weaved a dark blue flower into my hair.

"Uh... No" he said. I pouted and he laughed.

"Fine..." I stood up and looked at the canvas. I gasped.

It was... me.

I was sitting on the ground and weaving flowers into my hair. But I was far more beautiful than I was in real life.

"Peeta, this is prettier than me" I said, not taking my eyes of the painting.

He smiled slightly. "No, it's just as beautiful."

I turned to look at him and I realized just how close our faces were. I felt really uncomfortable, but I couldn't tear my gaze from those crystal blue eyes.

"Brainless!" Johanna called. I turned my head and saw her standing a few yards away. "The house is locked!"

"Oh." I looked back at Peeta. "I better go" I said quietly.

"Okay" he said. I walked towards Johanna and the two of us walked home.

I couldn't get that moment out of my head. The way his eyes mesmerized me. How he said I was beautiful. And how our faces were so close...


	13. Chapter 13

**Step #12: Sing to the mockingjays.**

* * *

After I let Johanna into the house, I put on my hunting clothes, grabbed my bow, and ran into the woods. I sat on the log and put my head in my hands. I needed to clear my mind.

What was that?

Peeta and I are just friends. I can't... I can't handle love right at the moment. I don't care if he likes me or not. He'll just have to deal with me as a friend. Nothing more...

Ugh. Why does my life have to be so complicated? Why can't I just be a simple, normal person that has a quiet life?

I took my head out of my hands and put an arrow in my bowstring. I angrily aimed it at a bird perched on a branch, prepared to shoot...

And put my bow down when I saw what type of bird it was.

A mockingjay.

I stared at it for a minute. It spread it's small wings and fluttered to a few branches lower.

I started singing.

"Deep in the meadow, under the willow,  
A bed of grass, a soft green pillow."

The mockingjay fell silent. Then another flew and sat next to it. Then another. And another. And another. And another.

"Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes.  
And when you wake, the sun will rise."

Now there were several branches filled with silent mockingjays. I kept singing.

"Here it's safe, here it's warm.  
Here the daisies guard you from very harm.  
Here's where all your dreams come true,  
Here is the place where I love you."

And it was then that I realized why I was so scared. I was afraid of getting hurt again. And there were many ways that I could get hurt. I had grown pretty fragile over the last few years.

But, I was safe. Nothing could hurt me.

So what was I afraid of?

Nothing.

I mean, it's just Peeta. The boy who'd do nothing to hurt me. All he wants to do is heal me while trying to heal himself. And everyone who could hurt me was dead or far away.

If only they were.

**Hint HINT!**

**Yeah, we're getting to the sad part of my story, although my friends tell me that it already is sad...**

**Then I guess you could say, it gets even SADDER!**

**Hope you have a happy New Year!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Step #13: Ask a drunk for advice.**

* * *

A few days later, Peeta asked me out.

I panicked. I mean, my answer, either way, could've been the turning point of our relationship, for the better or the worse.

So I told him I'd tell him my answer later, and he seemed fine with it. So I went home, laid down on the couch, and groaned.

"Well, someone's having a peachy day" Johanna said. I groaned some more. "What happened?"

I put a pillow on my face. "Peeta asked me out."

"Oh my god" she said. I heard a smile in her voice. "So? What'd you say?"

"Nothing. I'm supposed to answer him later." Johanna stood up and pulled the pillow off my face.

"You get your ass out there and say YES!" She pulled me off the couch and dragged me out the door.

"Johanna, DON-" She slammed the door in my face and I heard the lock click. I felt around in my pockets for the key, but I realized I left it in the house. Johanna was going to pay.

I looked at Peeta's house. There was no way I was going over there. I looked at Haymitch's house and sighed. He always had some sort of good advice, drunk or not.

I walked down the steps and knocked on his front door. He didn't open so I walked in. I found him passed out on the couch. I sighed. "Haymitch, wake up."

No response.

I walked into the kitchen, got a basin of ice cold water, and poured it all over his head. He shot up with a knife clutched in his hand. "WHAT-" He saw me. "Oh."

I sat in one of the armchairs. "What do you want?" He asked, taking a swig from his bottle.

I sighed. "Peeta asked me out."

He nearly choked on his liquor. "And..."

"I didn't respond yet. What should I do?"

He smirked. "You came to me for advice?"

I rolled my eyes. "You could say that..."

"Well," he said, "just... Just follow your heart. Happy?" He took another swig from his bottle.

I thought about it. Follow my heart... What did my heart want to do?

My heart wanted to be with Peeta.

"Okay" I said, standing up. "Thanks."

"Yeah, don't come back" he said. I scowled and walked out the door to tell Peeta yes.


	15. Chapter 15

**Step #14: Follow your heart.**

* * *

I walked up Peeta's steps and knocked on the door. I swayed back and forth on my heels until he opened It. He smiled at me.

"I, uh, came here to tell you that... I'd love to go on that date" I said with a small smile.

His face lit up. "Really?" I nodded.

"Meet me at the bakery at six" he said.

"Okay" I said. We said goodbye and I walked back to my front door. "Johanna, I said yes."

She opened the door a crack. "You're not just saying that?"

I rolled my eyes. "No. And I have to leave in an hour."

She opened the door all the way. "Only an hour!?" She pulled me into the room and slammed the door.

Johanna pulled me up to my room, sat me on my bed, and started going through my closet. There were so many dresses and outfits I'd never worn but owned. I probably had something that would be nice but simple enough.

"What about this?" she asked, pulling out a red dress. It was floor length, had a skirt that went out when you twirled, and had short sleeves.

"It's... nice" I said.

She groaned. "Will you wear it or not?"

I sighed. "Sure."

I put the dress on and found it fit perfectly. Johanna wanted to put on makeup, but I said no, so then she asked if she could do my hair, and I said fine. So she braided my hair and tied it with a red ribbon. Then after ten minutes of bring bugged, I finally let her put red lipstick on me. After that, we walked downstairs and she looked at me one last time.

"You look beautiful" she said. "But you'd be prettier with eyeliner."

I rolled my eyes. "Goodbye" I said. I put on a black coat and walked outside. Everyone looked at me as I passed, but I just ignored them.

I walked to the front door of the bakery and twisted the handle, but didn't open it. A last minute wave of panic washed over me.

Was I doing the right thing?

I looked through the windows and saw Peeta starring at the wall, his head in his hands. He looked so lonely...

He needs you Katniss.

And you need him.

So without a second thought, I opened the door and walked in.


	16. Chapter 16

**Step #16: Dance slowly in a room with him.**

I thought it was going to be awkward.

But, it was surprisingly comfortable. We talked, we laughed, we ate, and we had fun.

"Where did you get that dress?" he asked.

"Johanna found it in my closet." I said. "Then she did my hair and made me wear lip stick. I didn't want to, but she 'wanted to make me look pretty'."

Peeta smiled. "Well you look beautiful."

I blushed and he laughed.

Hours passed and the sun was going down. The orange light bled through the wide windows. I put my hand in the light and it felt warm.

"It's beautiful" I whispered. I looked at Peeta who was starring at me. "The color."

He nodded. "Sunset orange."

I looked out the window and saw the sun starting to set behind the trees in the meadow. I suddenly felt like doing something.

"Peeta" I said.

"Yeah?"

I faced him. "Let's dance."

He cocked his eyebrow and I laughed. "What..."

"C'mon" I said. I walked over to him. "Can't you dance?"

"Uh... not really..."

I rolled my eyes and pulled him into the middle of the room. "Put this hand here..." I showed him what he was supposed to do and he followed my instruction. And it took us until the stars came out, but I got him to dance without messing up.

I let go of him. "You got it."

He smiled. "Where did you learn that?"

"Uh, Prim and I made it up."

His smile went away. "Oh."

I nodded and looked at the clock. It was eleven.

"Wow, I better go" I said. "Thanks for the date."

He smiled. "Anytime."

I put on my coat, Peeta opened the door for me, and I walked out into the night.


	17. Chapter 17

**Step #16: Start dating.**

* * *

Since the first date went so well, Peeta asked me on another and I gladly accepted. And eventually it became a regular thing that we did once a week. It wasn't very different from eating dinner regularly with him, but it was fancier and more official. And I liked it.

So, I guess you could technically say I was dating Peeta. And I was. But, it didn't feel like it.

Until that night.

"You NEED to wear these" Johanna said, holding up a pair of high heel sandals.

"Uh, no" I said.

She rolled her eyes. "Come ON!"

I groaned. "I hate high heels. I can never walk in them!"

So as I walked to the bakery (more like stumbled), I instantly knew that I shouldn't have let Johanna put me in them.

I opened the door to the bakery and Peeta smiled. "Hey."

"Hi." I walked over to the table. "Johanna made me wear these" I said, pointing to the heels. I sat down and took them off. Peeta laughed.

The date went well, and when it was getting late, I put my shoes back on and gave him a hug. "See you tomorrow."

He nodded. "Bye."

I started walking towards the door, when suddenly I tripped in my heels. I was about to fall when Peeta caught me.

"Whoa" I said. "Sorry." I looked into his crystal blue eyes, and again, realized that our faces were really close...


	18. Chapter 18

**Step #17: Kiss him.**

* * *

"Are you okay?" He asked quietly.

"Uh... Yeah." I said. The moment seemed really awkward. He was holding me in his arms. He didn't want to let go, and I didn't want him to either. And our faces were inches apart...

Th my mind told me to fill that space...

But, I couldn't.

But what was I being afraid of?

So I closed my eyes and slowly leaned in...

And we kissed.

And I realized it was something I'd missed.

We broke apart and he smiled. "I'd been wanting to do that for a long time."

"Then why don't you do it again?" And he did.

Then the door Suddenly opened. We broke apart quickly, and it was a good thing that Peeta was holding me, because when I saw who was in the door, I probably would've fallen.

"G-Gale?"


	19. Chapter 19

**Step #18: Expect the unexpected.**

* * *

Peeta let me go and I stood up straight. I smoothed out my blue dress that came up to my knees. "What're you doing here?"

He smiled a little. "I came to see you."

I was annoyed. "And why would you decide to come back after a year?"

His smile went away. "I was busy. This was the only time I could get away."

"Uh-huh" I said unconvinced. "And why would you leave in the first place?"

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I... I couldn't face you. I needed time to clear my head."

"But did you even bother to think about how I felt!?" I screamed.

"Of course I did!" he yelled.

"But you just left anyway. You left me to rot in my own misery. Hell, I would probably be dead by now if Peeta hadn't come home!"

"I'm sorry, okay!? I just want you back!"

"You never had me in the first place. And it's a little late for apologies."

"C'mon Catnip" he pleaded.

"Katniss" I growled.

"What does bread boy have that I don't!?"

Wow. He was so incredibly stupid. "Everything that you'll never have."

"Katniss" Peeta said quietly. I looked at him and saw that his eyes were getting clouded...

"Gale, get Haymitch" I said.

"What?" he asked.

I turned to him. "Get Haymitch, damn it! Hurry!"

He looked confused, but he ran out the door. I looked at Peeta who had his hands clenched in fists. "Peeta..."

He looked at me. "MUTT!" He grabbed me by my arm and pushed me into the wall. "YOU KILLED MY FAMILY!"

"I didn't" I whispered. "It was the Capitol."

He scoffed. "You can say whatever you want. You'll soon be joining them..."

"Peeta, I-I know you're in there" I said shakily. "You know that I didn't kill them."

"SHUT UP!" he yelled. He wrapped his hands around my throat...

"STOP!" I screamed. I couldn't breathe. "I l-love you..."

Haymitch and Gale burst through the door. Gale's eyes widened when he saw me and Haymitch ran over to us. He pulled Peeta's hands off my throat and I fell to the ground. Gale ran over to help me but I pushed him away.

"Why is he trying to kill you!?"

I gasped in more air. "He-He gets flashbacks. He isn't fully healed from the hijacking." I rubbed my sore throat.

"And you want him over me!?"

I looked at him, and slapped him across the face.

Hard.

I stood up on two shaky knees, took off my shoes, ran out the door, and cried all the way home.


	20. Chapter 20

**Step #19: Break something.**

* * *

I ran into my house, slammed the door, and ran upstairs into my room. I collapsed on my bed and cried into a pillow.

I heard a pounding on the door. "Katniss!?" Johanna asked.

"Go away" I said.

"What happened!?"

"Just ask Gale." I said his name with so much venom, I even surprised myself.

"What the hell did he do!?"

"I don't wanna talk Johanna!" I screamed. I heard her footsteps walking down the hall.

I lifted my head from the wet pillow and my eyes trailed to the golden locket on top of my dresser. Peeta forgot to take it for his birthday a few months before.

I stood up, picked it up, opened it, and suddenly felt angry.

That... That... That... That jerk!

He kills my sister, leaves without saying sorry or a simple goodbye, then begs to have me when I just realized I love Peeta. And he can't accept that I've been trying to move on from my past. He just has to come knock down everything I've so carefully built.

In a fit of rage, I threw the locket across the room. It hit the wall and fell to the floor. I heard the glass crack.

I put my head in my hands and slid to the floor. I cried and cried until I had no tears left.

And the locket wasn't the only thing that broke.

The rest of my heart did too.


	21. Chapter 21

**Step #20: Scream at the top of your lungs.**

* * *

I ignored the world for days.

Johanna tried to get me to open up, but I ignored her countless requests. I just stayed under the covers, still wearing my blue dress, trying to disappear. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. I was still a crappy human, forced to look for silver linings that seemed to have disappeared. What was once a glimmer of hope got duller and duller by the second.

One night, I woke up screaming after a nightmare, and Peeta wasn't there to comfort me. I got out of bed and looked out the window. The sun was beginning to come out.

Still in my dress, I got into my hunting jacket and boots and quietly walked out the door. I walked to the woods and went to my hunting spot. I closed my eyes, just breathing in the fresh air, listening to the sounds of the wilderness...

"Catnip?"

"Katniss" I said, not opening my eyes. "What do you want Gale?"

"What, I can't come back to our hunting spot?"

"It's mine now."

"You can't just say that it's yours."

I opened my eyes. "I have every right to, since you haven't been here in a year!"

He rolled his eyes. "When are you going to let that go!?"

"Never" I stood up. "You killed so many people Gale"

"I didn't know that Prim-!"

"But you knew that it was going to kill people!" He stayed silent. "And children! Gale, I thought I knew you, but apparently I don't." He tried to say something, but I cut him off. "And then you just left! Without a simple goodbye! And a sorry would've been nice!"

Rage filled his eyes. "Oh, look who's pointing fingers, miss Mockingjay."

"Wha-!"

"You're the one who caused the war! Thousands died and went through unimaginable pain! You just had to let bread boy live, right!?"

"Gale," I said.

"No! And I think you caused him more pain than if he died! He lost a leg, you broke his heart, and yet he wanted to save you in the Quell! And then his heart stopped, he almost got killed with the monkeys, and don't even get me started on his torture!"

Tears filled my eyes. "I can't believe he loves you" he growled. "You're just a monster."

"I know" I whispered. "Just leave Gale. And don't come back."

"Rot in hell" he spat. He turned and disappeared into the trees.

I sat on the log and looked at my hands. If only I didn't let Peeta win...

No. It should've been me that died. It was all my fault, anyway.

I really should just rot in hell.


	22. Chapter 22

**Step #21: Keep your distance.**

* * *

I ran home crying.

I slammed the door shut, and then remembered that Johanna was a super light sleeper...

"WHAT-" She saw me. "You're up."

"Yeah" I said, wiping the tears from my eyes.

"What happened?" she asked.

"I was born." I sat on the couch and started crying again.

"Katniss," she said hesitantly, "I have to leave."

I looked up. "Why?"

"Annie's baby has a fever, and she's freaking out. I need to go help them-"

"Take me with you" I said.

"What?"

"Take me with you" I said.

"But, what about Pe-"

"Take me with you!" I pleaded, tears running down my face. "I need to get away from here!"

"Alright! You can come!" she said. She sat next to me and wrapped her arms around me as I cried.

* * *

I clutched my suitcase tighter as I knocked on Peeta's front door.

I was about to leave, but I didn't want to be so cruel as to leave without a goodbye. I didn't think I would've been able to bear it.

He opened the door and when he saw me, his eyes widened.

"Where are you going?" he asked, looking at my bag.

"To Four" I said. "With Johanna."

"But, why?"

"I-I need to go away for a while. My life is so messed up Peeta, I just..." I took a deep breath. "I need time to think."

His eyes went from surprised to sad. "Don't leave" he said. "I need you Katniss."

Tears filled my eyes. "I need to go" I whispered. "And I want to say that I'll come back but, I don't know..." I put my suitcase down and pulled him into a hug. "Goodbye Peeta."

I picked up my bag and walked down the steps of his house without looking back.

* * *

My blue dress fluttered in the wind as Johanna and I waited for the train.

Gale was right about everything.

I caused all those deaths.

I caused Peeta more pain than anyone deserved.

I should just rot in hell.

I needed to make distance to stop causing everyone so much pain.

So as I walked onto the train without looking back, I knew that it was for the best.

It'a for the best Katniss.

It's for the best.


	23. Chapter 23

**Step #22: Live half alive.**

I ran a sandy hand over my blue skirt.

I still hadn't changed, even after months of being in Four. I just didn't see the point.

Annie was happy to see me. I got to see little Finnick for the first time. He looked just like his father...

While Johanna helped him and Annie, I'd just sit in the sun baked sand and listen as the waves lightly crashed onto shore. It was like I was living half alive; I couldn't talk anyone or do anything. And in truth, Peeta was the other half of my life. He made my life worth living.

But I just made his life worse.

And when the sunset came, its orange rays reflecting off the water, I remembered everything that Gale said, the sadness in Peeta's eyes when I told him I was leaving, how I am a monster...

I suddenly stood up from the sand and walked up to the shoreline. A wave came and the warm water went over my feet. I walked out, the water coming up to my knees, then my waist, then over my stomach. I laid down and floated on my back, looking at the orange sky. I remembered Peeta and closed my eyes.

"Why do I have to love you?" I whispered. "Why do I have to keep hurting you?"

I swam to shore and sat back in the sand. I ran out of tears a long time ago, but I probably would've cried right then.

I saw a stick a few feet away. I picked it up and drew a heart in the sand. Then I drew a crack down the middle.

Perfect. Now it resembles mine.

I threw the stick as far as I could into the sea. I laid down, not caring about getting covered in sand. It didn't matter.

Nothing did.

It was times like those that I wished I had a nightlock pill...


	24. Chapter 24

**Step #23: Talk to a dead friend.**

* * *

I sat in front of Finnick's grave.

I was wandering the beach one day and came upon a graveyard. And then I found him.

I wiped some sand off of his name.

Here lie the remains of Finnick O'Dair.

Who was eaten by lizard mutations while on the mission to assassinate President Snow.

Loved by many.

You got that right.

I just starred at the stone for a while. Then I started speaking.

"Hey Finnick" I whispered. "What am I going to do? All I seem to do is hurt Peeta. I keep breaking his heart, I cause his flashbacks, I make him cry..."

And when I thought there weren't any tears left, I started crying.

"I-I need help" I cried. "Help me."

There wasn't any answer. It's not like I expected there to be one.

But then I thought of what Finnick would say to me if he were there.

He wouldn't want me to cry over something I could fix.

I hurt Peeta.

And it was my job to help him.

"But... How do I help him?" I asked. Again, there wasn't any answer.

But then I realized that Peeta loved me, no matter what I might've done. He told me countless times.

So I had to go back to him.

I had to go home.

I had to get my other half back.

"Thanks Finnick" I said. I stood up and started running towards Annie's house.

I was going home.


	25. Chapter 25

**Step #24: Be lonely.**

* * *

I ran up to Peeta's front door.

I had just gotten of the train and wanted to see him before I did anything. I was about to knock, but then stopped.

What if... What if he doesn't want to see me?

But I had to fix this.

I had to follow my heart.

So I knocked on the door and Peeta appeared.

I gasped. He looked horrible.

He looked happy at first, then wiped it away. "Go away Katniss."

"Wh-What?"

He got angry. "Go away! I can't love you!" He slammed the door in my face.

Well, that was fast. I was still processing everything he said.

He didn't love me.

No, he couldn't.

My chest tightened and my breathing was struggled. I slowly walked down the steps and walked into my house. I went upstairs and sat on the edge of my bed.

He couldn't love me...

He couldn't love me...

He couldn't love me...

But if I were him, I guess I wouldn't be able to love me either, after everything I'd done. It was kinda a miracle he loved me in the first place.

I couldn't cry. I wanted to, but I couldn't.

My eyes trailed over to my music box. Then over to the broken locket. I opened my drawer and picked up my pearl. It felt like a pebble of ice.

I picked up the music box and locket and walked to the meadow. Before I knew what I was doing, I went into the graveyard. They had hundreds of stone markers, but most of them didn't have bodies or weren't definitely marking the right person. The bombs turned many people onto ashes or undefined body parts.

I walked through the gravestones and found hers. I knelt down.

"Hi Prim" I whispered. "I'm sorry I haven't visited you yet, but I guess I had to get motivated to. You know how hard this is." I put down the music box and the locket. "You can keep these. I-I can't bear to look at them anymore." I just starred at the ground for a minute. "You said, in your letter, that you had a debt to repay me. For saving your life. But I pretty much ended it." I took in a shaky breath. "I caused the war, I caused the bombs, I'm the reason for all of these gravestones, I'm the one whose name should be there. Not yours. So now we're even." My eyes got blurry with tears. "And I'm sorry. But even all the sorrys in the world can't fix this."

I started crying. And cries soon turned to sobs.

"I'm sorry" I sobbed. "I'm not sweet like you said I am. I'm just a monster. I really should just rot in hell." I put my head in my hands and cried.

And cried.

And cried.

And cried.

But even all the tears in the world couldn't portray how I felt.


	26. Chapter 26

**Step #25: Dance slowly in the pouring rain by yourself**

* * *

Peeta and I ignored each other for months.

The fall passed, then winter, then spring, and it was summer again. I didn't hunt anymore, even though Greasy Sae told me Gale left while I was in Four. But I was too depressed to even stand.

All I could think about was how I ruined Peeta.

I deserved his isolation.

One day, I was sitting by the window, starring out into the streets, when a raindrop hit the window. Then another. And another. And another. And eventually it was pouring. On a day like that, Prim and I would've been dancing...

I suddenly stood up and walked out the door and into the rain. My blue dress got soaked as I ran to the meadow. Since Prim's grave was under a tree, the music box didn't get too wet. I kneeled down in the mud and opened it. The music started, and I could just hear it over the beating of the rain.

I stood up and started dancing.

I danced and danced and danced, and I could feel her spirit with me. But it was cold and haunting and I wanted it to leave but stay at the same time.

The song ended and I knelt back into the mud. My already ruined dress was ruined even further. And I didn't give a shit.

I put my face in my mud-covered hands and started to cry. I just couldn't find the purpose in life if I was going to cry all the time.

Or if the purpose was to cry all the time, then I wouldn't have it.

I stood up and rubbed my cold arms as I started walking back to my house. But I stopped walking when I saw someone walking towards me, barely recognizable through the rain.

But there was only one person in the world with eyes as blue as those.


	27. Chapter 27

**Step #26: Put a knife in your heart.**

* * *

He walked up to me. "I saw you come out."

"Go away" I said quietly. He ran a hand through his wet hair.

"Look, I wanted to apologize-"

"Don't apologize Peeta" I said sadly. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I broke your heart, I broke you and I left you. I deserved your-"

"Could you be quiet for a minute?" he asked. I shut my mouth. "You didn't deserve what I said. I thought I would be helping you-"

"Helping-!?"

"I realize my mistake!" he said. "I thought I was hunting you! But I hurt you more. And I'm sorry for making you feel like it was your fault."

"But it is my fault" I said quietly. "It always was and it always will be." My eyes started filling with tears. "Do you know what Gale told me the day I left? He told me that I caused the whole war, all the deaths, all the pain, and that it is a miracle you still love me." He tried to say something but I cut him off. "And it's true. You don't deserve me Peeta. You deserve better. And I don't deserve your pity." A tear fell down my face. "And he said I should rot in hell."

"Katniss," Peeta started.

"But it's true. It's so true." I wiped away my tears. "Goodbye Peeta."

His eyes widened but I was already running towards my house. I heard Peeta running behind me, but he was slower because of his leg. I ran up my steps, slammed the door, and locked it.

Tight.

I walked into the kitchen and sat down and cried. I heard Peeta rattling the doorknob, but I didn't look up.

He pounded on the door. "Katniss, open up!"

I walked to one of the drawers and opened it. I wiped my eyes and took out a small, sharp knife...

And then Peeta came running in, the key to my house clutched in his hand.


	28. Chapter 28

**Step #27: Take the knife out of your heart.**

* * *

"Don't" he whispered, looking at the knife.

I dropped the knife and listened as it clattered on the ground.

I sank to my knees and put my head in my hands. Peeta ran over to me and pulled me into his arms. I cried and cried and cried and he let me, telling me it was alright, we will pull through this together.

"We're a team" he said. "And if you go, I go."

I looked him in the eyes. "Don't say that."

"But it's true. And you know it."

I did know it. He's told me once and a thousand times, he would never be able to live without me.

And I knew that I wouldn't be able to live without him either.

"Stay with me" I whispered into his chest.

"Always" he said. We just sat on the floor for a few minutes, listening to the rain pound on the roof. Then he spoke up. "Katniss?"

"Yeah?"

"You love me, real or not real?"

I almost forgot about that game we played. It was three years ago.

Wow. Was I getting old.

But I knew the answer. "Real" I whispered. "Do you love me?"

"Yes. And I will forever."

I looked into his blue eyes and kissed him.

And I knew, right then and there, that we would be able to get through life.

Because we had each other to lean against.

We would be able to face the world together.

We were a team.

And even the worst of the worst would never separate us.


	29. Chapter 29

**Step #28: Teach your heart to start beating again.**

* * *

Peeta and I have been dating for a year.

It was the happiest year of my life.

Yes, of course he had flashbacks and of course I had my nightmares, but they were happening less frequently. When I used to think that if I closed my eyes, my whole world would fall down, I learned to trust and be more open. I'd smile and wave to people in town, help Lynn, Kenna and Brandon at the bakery (not baking, we already closed that door) or visit the newly built Hob and give away my game. We were healing together, slowly putting the pieces together. And of course there will always be several pieces missing, destroyed by our past, but we put back together what we could.

For our one year anniversary, Peeta told me he had a surprise.

"You know I hate surprises!" I said. He smiled.

"Close your eyes" he said. I groaned, but obeyed.

Peeta led me out the door and across the street. We walked for a bit, then turned somewhere. I felt the grass under tickle my feet and instantly knew where we were.

"Peeta, I already know about the meadow. It's not a surprise."

"No, this isn't the surprise" he said with a smile in his voice. I sighed and he led me through the grass and down a hill. "Okay, you can open your eyes now."

I opened them and gasped. There was a picnic blanket with a basket of food and two plates next to a flowing creek. I looked at Peeta who was smiling. I pulled him into a kiss.

We sat down and ate some dinner. Peeta packed bread, cheese, tomatoes, and wine. "This all for our one year anniversary?" I asked.

He smiled. "Not quite..."

I was confused when he stood up. "C'mon. I got another surprise."

I groaned and he laughed. I stood up and shut my eyes. "Now what?"

I felt Peeta sweep my feet out from under me and lift me bridal style. I screamed and he started running with me in his arms. "Peeta Mellark-"

He put me back on my feet. "You can open your eyes now." I did and saw that we were on top of a hill. I looked around and saw all the beautiful trees and flowers, but the most beautiful was the sunset. The orange sun lit up the sky, radiating everything with its glow.

"This is beautiful" I whispered. He smiled.

"Not as beautiful as you" he said. I looked at him. "Katniss," he reached into his blue jacket, "I love you more than anything. And I know you love me. And I know that we will love each other forever." He pulled his hand out and I saw a small box. "So why don't we do something about it?"

Oh. My. God.

"Peeta" I whispered.

"Katniss Everdeen," he opened the box to reveal a diamond ring, "will you marry me?"

* * *

**I'm like crying right now, and not just because that was so freaking beautiful, but also because my six year old brother made me watch The Lion King and Mufasa just died and I started crying and my little brother looked at me like I was a weirdo, which I am, but he didn't get why I was crying...**

**I can just go on and on and on and on so I'll just stop here.**

**later :P**


	30. Chapter 30

**Step #29: Think about it.**

* * *

_Think Katniss, THINK!_

I looked into Peeta's blue eyes, then back at the ring. "I honestly don't know what to say."

"If... If you don't want to-"

"Shush!" I said. "I just..."

Then I heard a mockingjay chirp. I looked into thee tree and saw it perched on a branch.

And I realized that I was safe with Peeta. I was free like a mockingjay; I could spread my wings and he would lift me up. He was my savior. I even said it myself: I would've been dead if he never came home.

Sk there was no question.

I loved him.

He loved me.

And I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.


	31. Chapter 31

**Step #30: Accept a marriage proposal.**

* * *

"Yes" I said with a smile. "I'll marry you."

He just starred at me for a minute. "Did I hear you right?"

I rolled my eyes. "I said yes!"

His face broke out in a smile. "Give me your hand."

I held it out and he slipped the ring on my ring finger. The diamond glittered in the sunlight.

He pulled me into a long kiss. "I love you" I said.

He pulled me into a hug. "I love you too" he said. I smiled into his shirt.

And I knew that I had just made the best decision of my life.


	32. Chapter 32

"Am I doing the right thing?" I asked Johanna, shifting in my dress.

She scoffed. "A little late, right?" She fixed my veil. "And yes, you are doing the right thing. You won't regret it. I promise." She gave me a pat on my shoulder and the door opened. I turned to see Annie walking in.

"It's almost time" she said, holding my bouquet of blue primroses to match my dress. My dress was blue, had no sleeves, and had primroses pinned at the waist. I took a deep breath.

"Let's do this" I said. They both smiled and I stood from my chair. The three of us walked down the stairs, out the door across the street, and into the meadow. My heart pumped faster and faster as we walked closer to the set up.

I walks to the back and saw that there were rows and rows and rows of filled chairs. Most of the people were from District Twelve, but there were a few that weren't. I looked around and saw Greasy Sae, Thom, Peeta's workers, Annie, little Finnick, and Johanna. I took a deep breath and walked down the aisle.

Everyone stood and looked at me. I saw Peeta's expression and couldn't help but smile.

This wasn't the time to be nervous. It was the time to be relieved.

I got to Peeta and took his hand in mine. The new mayor cleared his throat. "Dearly beloved" he said. "We are gathered her today, to join both this man and woman in holy matrimony."

The wedding went on. Peeta and I repeated what we had to, said our vows, exchanged our rings, and signed the papers.

"I may now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Peeta flipped my veil over my head and pulled me into a long kiss. The crowd clapped and we broke apart. I looked into the crowd and saw that even Johanna had a few tears in her eyes. I gripped Peeta's hand.

We had a big journey ahead of us.

And we were going to get through it.

Together.

Step by step.

* * *

**IT IS FINISHED!**

**Yeah, you see that? Fffffiiiinnniiissssshhhheeeeeddddd.**

**But, I loved writing this so much, I might just write a sequel...**

**so I have several ideas:**

**idea #1: they have children**

**idea #2: GALE RETURNS!**

**idea #3: a mixture of both... *sneaky chuckle***

**idea #4: actually, that's all I got. Huh.**

**anyway, review me a one, two, or three, or any suggestion that isn't going to scar me for life. YES, IM TALKING TO YOU BILL! but nice ****reviews make writers happy ;)**

**BYE... FOR NOW! XD**


	33. Sequel? Yes? No?

**IM BACK!**

**Okay, so I kinda like the idea of writing a sequel, and I think I know what I am going to do, but I won't tell you. Who am I to ruin a sneaky surprise? *sneaky chuckle***

**But, I can always take your suggestions.**

**If you read my last authors note, you know what I'm talking about. If you didn't then you might wanna pay attention:**

**I have three ideas:**

**Idea #1: They have kids *awwwwwwwwwwwwwwe***

**Idea #2: GALE RETURNS! *maniacal laugh***

**Idea #3: Some sickly twisted mix of the two... *sneaky chuckle***

**Yeah, that's it.**

**So, review to me a 1, 2, or 3, and it will not only make me happy, but you happy that you made a girl like me happy. Happy happy happy HAPPY!**

**Sorry. I'm having a sugar rush...**

**PEACE OUT! XD**


	34. SEQUEL!

**SEQUEL TIME!**

**Alright, the sequel is... *drum roll***

**Almost There: "It's okay. We're almost there. Just hang on." Sequel to my story 'One Step Closer'. Katniss and Peeta's journey through pregnancy.**

**YAY!**

**READ IT! I promise, it shall be ****_very_**** interesting...**

**Have a nice day! XD**


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